Piranha 3DD (2012) Directed by John Gulager. With Danielle Panabaker, Matt Bush, Katrina Bowden, David Koechner, Ving Rhames, Christopher Lloyd and David Hasselhoff.
Coming two-years after the success of Alexandre Aja’s Piranha 3D, the cheekily titled Piranha 3DD shares a certain kinship with 1983’s Jaws 3D, in as much as they are both crap and they both use a theme-park/water-park location as a backdrop to the ‘horror’. To be fair, Jaws 3D was innocently crap – and at least had a certain amount of ambition. Planting itself firmly in the realm of gross-out-horror-comedy, director John Gulager’s film knows exactly what it is, and expects us to be along for the ride.
If mounds of boobies and buckets of blood are your thing – then you’re in the right place. The ‘plot’ conspires to see that the toothy fish from the previous film find their way into a newly opened water-park called ‘Big Wet‘ *sigh. The reprehensible park manager (an irritating David Koechner) introduces us to an ‘Adults Pool’, much to the disdain of his daughter, Maddy (Danielle Panabaker). It is here that we’re treated to the many lingering shots of naked women – gasp! It might as well be called Tits 3D – at least then we could credit it with a little more honesty.
If there’s any fun to be had here, it comes from the cameos and guest appearances. Gary Busey briefly plays on his larger-than-life persona, while Christopher Lloyd allows himself to be typecast by recalling Back to the Future’s ‘Doc Brown’. The best, depending on your affection for 80’s/90’s TV shows, Baywatch and Knight Rider, is saved for David Hasselhoff – who at least provides a little self-deprecation, as the former TV-star continues to capitalise on his own bizarre popularity as an emblem of guilty pleasures.
Ultimately crass, with no ideas to call its own – Piranha 3DD gets carried away with itself far too often. Beyond the blatant (and frequent) leering, the really sad thing, is that it thinks it’s better than it is. What’s meant to play as audacious and/or shocking, is just too daft to laugh with. It might be of interest to a certain percentage of horny 14yr-old boys, or those who consider page 3 of The Sun newspaper to be some sort of religious publication, but for most people – it’s little more than cheap trash. As David Hasselhoff succinctly puts it – “Welcome to rock bottom.” 1.5/5
Haha! I really enjoyed reading this review. Brilliantly put and very, very funny!
Thank you very much, Ashwin – that’s very encouraging to me.
No worries, I always try to read your reviews whenever possible. I am still trying to write in fits and starts, working around office life and otherwise, but I am impressed with the enormity of your output. You are prolific!
I probably spend far too much time watching/thinking/writing about films – but it has steadily evolved into a passion over the past few years.
Clearly, I hope to read in you in print sometime soon! You are clearly good enough.
Thank you, Adam.
Haha – hilarious! Your second paragraph especially is brilliant. Great review!!
Thank you very much – it’s a great feeling getting the thumbs up from another writer.
What a great review. You’re a better man than I am for finishing this. Had I known about the cameos, I might have finished it myself. : D
Thank you, I don’t know about “better”, probably more along the lines of foolish. I actually liked Alexandre Aja’s Piranha film, so I came to this at least expecting some cheap thrills. The problem was, they were too cheap and not at all thrilling.
Haha, very brave of you to sit through this one mate!
Ha! Brave or stupid, I’m still not sure which. Sometimes the worst films make for the most juicy reviews, weirdly.
Great stuff! Your writing, not the film, obviously. That was atrocious. I’m kind of annoyed with myself for watching the whole thing.
Thank you, Laura. Yes, I know what you mean. Employed film critics can at least say they are paid to sit through garbage like this, we have no excuse.